When your sex life is stuck or boring or difficult to tolerate it can color your entire world, making it feel like you have a big secret that something is wrong with you, or your spouse, or your marriage. Perhaps you fear that every one else is having great sex and lots of it, but this is a myth. Can your sex life be improved? Most likely. Sex therapy can help couples understand what seems to be going wrong, and develop strategies for creating a better sex life.
It was, of course, a nice correction to the feeling or fear of the times that sex was bad or dirty or immoral. But an unintended consequence occurred. The natural or instinctual drive of one spouse to pursue the other sexually heated up a notch. If sex was natural now, then pursuing your spouse sexually was natural, but the partner who didn’t want to have sex as much became unnatural. Suddenly the normal push-me-pull-me between mates that occurs in all marriages to some degree or another turned into one spouse being natural or healthy, while the other became unnatural or unhealthy. Not a great set up for a satisfying sex life.
Sex therapy is talk therapy. It is a safe and structured space for couples to talk about what they feel is going wrong with their sex life, guided by an experienced therapist. You may be asked questions about how frequently you have sex and how frequently you’d like to be having sex. You may be asked about the connection you may or may not feel at different points in your sexual experiences with each other. You may also be asked about pain during sex or any sexual dysfunctions either of you may be struggling with. An assessment as to whether you may benefit from seeing a doctor or pelvic floor physical therapist will be made.
If you’re not having sex at all you may be asked about the last times you had sex with each other and what each of your ideas are as to why sex stopped. Most importantly we will talk about what strategies you are using to try to create a better sex life. Most of the time couples who get stuck in this area are using strategies that create or worsen the very problems they are trying to solve.
Because the sexual relationship is so personal and deeply emotional, you will also be asked about your connection with each other as well. Humans are one of very few species who have sex for pleasure and not just physical pleasure. Our emotional connection and level of emotional development are key factors in enjoying sexual emotional connectivity.
Sex therapy is not about getting one spouse to have more sex with the other. Often times this very pressure and the reactions that follow are what bring couples into sex therapy to begin with. I also don’t assume that more sex equals good sex. When my clients stop assuming this as well, it’s an important step in the right direction. When couples can step back from the tug of war with each other they also seem to be more able to respect each other. Respect for self and other is the beginning and ending of a more satisfying and meaningful sex life, regardless of frequency. Ironically, once folks can let go of the frequency pressure, they tend to have sex more often.
