Reasons for Disengaging in Sexual Intimacy
There are numerous reasons why wives disengage with sex. Here are some:
Sex Seems Optional
Women tend to be overwhelmingly busy in our society. Many of us work, manage finances, raise children, lead or attend groups, exercise, shop, clean, care for extended family, go to school, taxi kids to practices and travel for work. We run on Starbucks fumes and are so exhausted by day’s end that there’s little left of us– emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually. And husbands, big boys that they are, are often left to themselves. There are just so many demands that sex, since it seems optional, often slips down the ladder of priorities. Many wives don’t see sex as essential to the marriage.
All Sexed Out
Many young wives complain that they’re “sexed out” – they had so much sex in their teens and twenties that they just don’t want or need it now. And in the context of sex as just a physical act, that could make sense. But in marriage, sex was never designed to be “just physical.” This is likely a byproduct of society’s view of sex being impersonal. If you’re not in a committed relationship, and if you use protection, you can sleep with whomever, whenever. For this to be true, people learn to separate the emotional and spiritual side of their sexuality, leaving just the physical. This creates a dilemma for the marriages that often takes place years later. Healthy sex in a marriage demands physical, sexual AND emotional vulnerability. Once a person turns off the emotions of sex, it’s hard to turn it back on.
Not enough ROI
Lots of wives, especially ones with young children tell me that sex is just another chore to check off. They know their husband’s need sex – but, they don’t feel like they need it themselves; at least not nearly as much. Perhaps that’s because good sex takes time, energy and effort. It means we shut off our heads, set aside the laundry list of what needs to be done, and let ourselves relax in the sensuality of being “all in” at that moment. And while the reality of “all in” is usually less than an hour, for some, the return on investment (ROI) just isn’t worth it; whereas chocolate; a glass of wine or watching a good show provides instant gratification.
Misconception: Sex is for men
Somewhere along the way, many wives stop thinking that sex is for them. Granted, physiologically women need sexual release less frequently than men, but that doesn’t mean it’s not present and necessary. In addition, common misunderstandings of the differences in the sexual response cycles of women and men have contributed to this error. Often for women, achieving orgasm is not as simple as it is for men. Without an understanding of this difference in God’s design, women can feel unfulfilled in this area of their lives and men can feel frustrated in their perceived lack of ability to meet their wife’s needs, adding increased feelings of detachment and the belief that sex is for men. This error has only been furthered by the proliferation of pornography in our society that reinforces sex as something women do for men.
Resentment
Lots of women crave tenderness, help and time with their guy – and don’t get it. So when Mr. Wonderful shows up for the first time at day’s end wanting sex, the missus remembers all that he has NOT done for her lately.
We’ve done it all
Once married, many couples lose the “learning mentality” of sex. They do what needs to be done for the release and then roll over. Growing relationships continue to explore and study each other. Married sex must go deeper than orgasm to the emotional connection of the self. That means looking for good in the other person, overlooking flaws, and finding ways to compliment each other’s body, mind, character and self.
Power Plays
Sex for some spouses is a commodity. It’s given in trade for attention or good behavior. It becomes reward or punishment. This mentality poisons a marriage. Withholding oneself or sex from a spouse creates resentment, distance and contempt. In a Christian marriage the Bible says that the body of a husband or wife is not their own, that we have become “one flesh”. That means when we are married we are so connected to our spouse that we cannot withhold ourselves – it would be like not eating! So, not being “in the mood” or “he doesn’t deserve sex” are not relevant. Moreover, Scripture is clear in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that sex was not meant to be used in the way. Paul writes, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Duty Sex is no fun!
The “let’s just do it (and get it over with)”mentality lacks connection and playfulness; both of which are essential ingredients in a happy and healthy sex life. If we waited for just the right time, place and body for sex — we would miss some really great opportunities to connect and invest in our relationship. We do what is important; we invest in those we love – not because we feel like serving, listening or loving – but because it is right, and necessary. We put the marriage first, over us individually. This is a long-term investment rather than an ATM. The long term benefits are often similar to choosing to go to the gym even when you don’t feel like it, as soon as you are there you are glad you decided to make it happen.
Selfishness
Our culture is self-centered. If we don’t want to, we won’t. If we don’t feel like it, then we don’t. In a successful marriage, there’s no room for selfishness. Spouses who experience their partner being selfish tend to become self-protective. And when one person demands and does not give, it can become manipulative and even abusive. Self-protective partners withdraw and withhold. Usually it starts with emotional detachment, then physical and sexual. Selfishness demeans, separates and ultimately divides a relationship. Relationships break when one or both of the spouses are selfish.
Competing with the Screen
Pornography can devastatingly affect the sex life of couples. Porn divides sexuality. It can emotionally distance a man from true intimacy and the desire to pursue his wife. Some men dealing with addiction to pornography develop sexual anorexia due to the shame involved; others find themselves unable to be aroused by or responsive to a real live woman. And for wives, the sense of betrayal and not being enough for their husbands because of pornography can be heartbreaking. As a result, many women show contempt for their husbands – translating into disregard and withdrawal, or they become sexually paralyzed by comparison– both reactions that alienate the couple.
Awkward!
Some say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but with sex in marriage, the longer you wait, the more awkward sex can seem. Perhaps that’s why in the Jewish culture, sex once a week is considered the minimum. If it has become a long time since your last sexual encounter the first time back will likely be awkward, just plan on it, laugh it off together, and rebuild some regularity. When weeks pass with no intimacy, relational connection is often quashed or looked elsewhere for satisfaction.
Sex seems Dirty
This can be a block physically, emotionally and mentally for women. Some women grow up in homes where sex is portrayed as sinful or bad. Often the message given to teenager is “sex is bad, but save it for someone you love.” After the honeymoon it’s hard to transition that view to sex being good, healthy and necessary. Too, many women were inappropriately touched when they were children or adolescents or even raped, which can make it difficult to see sex as safe and good. Sexual shame can be a huge block to a healthy, relaxed and meaningful adult sex life with a husband.
